Context:
In the context of a society that traditionally considers monogamy the standard for relationships, Cook explores the value of ployamory as an alternative in which polyamorous couples engage in mutual agreement to allow for multiple lovers without betrayal to the connection and commitment to their original partners. It seems clear, to her, that our society's laws and pressures that aim to keep married couples together in spite of their differences has been decreasingly productive and successful in more recent years.
A member of a polyamorous relationship herself, Cook's study furthermore emerges in the context that not much academic research has been conducted on the subject thus far.
Main Idea:
Our society should not necessarily consider monogamy as the standard for relationships, but should instead understand and acknowledge it as a choice among many alternatives.
Methodology:
Cook interviewed each individual primary member of seven long-term polyamorous couples—together and actively polyamorous for at least 5 years, ages 29-72, living within 2 hours of Cook's northern San Francisco home--to determine trends in what factors, values, and approaches provide cohesion for long term polyamorous couples.
Her interview style utilized unstructured, open mode, general questioning, not necessarily phrased a particular way or asked in a particular order, like a survey.
Cook noted that the study does not even pretend to intend to explore views or perspectives of typical polyamorous relationships, but only on aspects that are successful. Cook's focus is intentionally on what works for such couples, and not at all on exploring any who've been unsuccessful at polyamorous engagements.
Major Findings:
No participants had the same level of intimacy with any secondary partners as with primary partners; but all did express desire for more intimacy, closeness, or emotional bond with their secondary partners.
Secondary encounters might be one-time events, short-term, and others were years-old. In one case, the primary and secondary partners became good friends and considered one another as like brothers.
Though each couple emphasized their own values in their respective means of maintaining their relationships, the common thread from couple to couple was that all were together because they wanted to be and because they gain joy and pleasure from the circumstances of their relationships despite occasional difficulties, and are thus willing to work hard to maintain these relationships.
Such a concept as "veto power" exists, to varying extents, in these relationships, allowing one primary partner to veto the other's relationship with a secondary partner, for a variation of reasons deemed acceptable.
Larson, Jeffrey H., PhD. “Overcoming Myths About Marriage.” Marriage and Families. (2006). 12 February 2007
This article is motivated by the author's realization that many people embark upon their marriages with a drastic lack of education about the institution, and are thus completely unaware that the relationship they'd been in up until "I do," is about to change--but in quite predictable ways. Even in cases where a couple has previously lived together, spouses' expectations of one another change with the new status of their union.
Main Idea:
Marriages have an inevitable tendency to evolve from romantic love to companionate love, or friendship. All marriages undergo three stages: 1) Romantic love; 2) Disillusionment and distraction; and 3) Dissolution or adjustment with resignation or contentment.
Methodology:
The author broke down these three stages to explore further and offer advice regarding what to expect of a marriage. Then he proceeded to compile a list of common myths about the institution and debunk each. His findings seem to have basis in his own general observations in addition to some exploration of literature on the subject.
Major Findings:
The word "ecstasy" derived from a Greek word that means "deranged," and it is in this state that people get married, with romantic notions. they tend to base both their attractions and their marriages primarily on sexual, passionate, irrational, and physical attraction, which in turn yields unrealistic expectations of one another.
Among things partners must understand to foster a relationship are:
A partner will not automatically understand what his spouse wants without effective communication. Nagging is counterproductive in seeking to change a spouse's undesired behavior, but they can learn more effective ways, the better they know one another.
The more lovingly a spouse behaves, the more the loving behavior is reciprocated. Sometimes partners must do things for the sake of one another’s' happiness that they'd rather not, but in the name of compromise and reciprocation it's all worth it. The "50-50 rule" is counterproductive, and spouses should instead focus individually on doing as much for one another as they can, without keeping a tally.
Compassionate and altruistic love are just as important as romantic love in the preservation of a marriage. Marriage does not complete the two people it joins together. It can fulfill many of their needs, but other needs will still require other means and other sources of satisfaction. Partners should not depend on marriage for happiness in every aspect of life.
It is not always best for couples to keep their problems to themselves; it is perfectly okay and sometimes necessary to consult trusted outside parties for help.
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